My Friendships and What They Mean To Me

I have one real friend; most of my friendships are really superficial as it takes me a bit to trust someone with anything really close to me. My best friend is Aviance. We've been friends ever since I found out that she wasn't interested in my now husband. LOL. It's been 3 1/2 years now. Whenever I move to a new state, I lose my friends. At least, that's how it's been for me. You just get out of touch with them. Or you are in a different mindset from them and you just can't communicate like you used to, you know?

I really value my friendship with Aviance. She's there when I need to vent or lament about something. She's there when I just want someone to talk to. And I can talk to her about things, knowing she understands, because we're both in the same mindset about a lot of things. We have a ton of similar interests, and she's just a great friend to have.

I also have a close bond with my mom. She's my ultimate best friend. I can talk to her about just about anything, no secrets. She gives me her honest opinion and I take it or leave it. She isn't pushy. Well, at least not all of the time. I don't know what I'll do when the day comes that she's not with me anymore...hopefully that's a LONG time coming. I know we all must die, but I just can't imagine not having my mom and best friend with me to talk to anymore. I think that will be the biggest blow to me, and there's no way I can possibly prepare for that day. I believe it'll ruin something in me that I'll never get back, you know? Anyone who's lost their mother probably understands what I'm talking about.

I also have a close bond with my youngest sister, Tiffany. Although there are 5 years between us, we get along well (which wasn't always the case when we were growing up, of course). She and I talk on the phone for HOURS almost every day. She got married within months of me and had a baby soon after, just like me. Our children are a year apart in age. We have always been able to talk about stuff. Conversation comes easy for us. There isn't any uncomfortable silence, and we can sometimes just listen to each other breathe without feeling like we need to fill the silence (this happens a lot as we're both usually distracted by something or other).

I don't have a close bond with my other sister, Trisha, even though she's closer to me in age (3 years difference). She and I are just not in the same mindset. I wish things were different. I hope one day they will be. She's pregnant now so maybe my niece or nephew will bring us closer together. We just didn't grow up together. Trisha lived with Dad and Tiff and I lived with Mom, then, after I'd gone into the military, Tiff moved in with Dad, so Tiff and Trish are closer than Trish and I are. It's just how it is for now, I guess.

I don't have a close bond with my Dad either, although my heart yearns for one. We don't have that Father-Daughter relationship that I've heard other women talk about. I didn't marry a man like my dad...I don't really know much about my dad's likes or dislikes. I don't know much about him. When Mom and Dad separated when I was 11, that was the end of seeing my dad on a semi-regular basis. He was in the military so he was away on deployments and things quite often throughout my life before the separation. There was a few months out of the summer back when I was 14 that I lived with him for a while, but that didn't last long (I didn't like his girlfriend!) and I went back with Mom. He wasn't there much then, either. Always at work. I lament to God a lot about the lack of closeness I have with my Dad. What will I say if we never get closer and he is no longer with us? What will I say at his funeral? I don't know him very well. Oh, I know I could come up with something eloquent to say that will touch everyone and bring some tears, and I do have some memories I can share, but I sometimes wonder if I'll be more sad that I didn't have a closer relationship with him that I will be about his actual passing...which is horrible to say, in some ways, but I know that someone will understand what I'm saying. If we were closer, at least I'd have fond memories of him to give me solace; at least I'd have the close bond we shared to give me peace in my heart. I still pray for that closeness soon, but it may be that it's just impossible for that to happen with my dad.

You see, no one on my dad's side of the family is really close to anyone in the family. Close bonds aren't formed, as far as I've seen. There's just a barrier that no one crosses. It's sad, but right now, it's impossible to penetrate. Don't know why. That probably explains the lack of closeness with my sister as she grew up with that influence more than Tiff and me.

But that's about all I want to say for now. Got to go take care of crying Rayah.